For the past weeks that I haven’t visited, we have been in the middle of moving 6 hours away from home. Uprooting and letting go of a life that didn’t want us anyways.
I left behind my grandfather. You could say my dad. I call him DD.
It wasn’t until today that I realized… I can’t remember the last hug I gave him because of the coronavirus- masks and six feet apart for his own safety of contracting it somehow. I don’t remember the last time I kissed him on the cheek. Will I visit again before his illness takes him away from this hell?
He’s been my rock. Just like Mimi was. Yesterday marked 2 years without her here. I miss her everyday. I fear the time left for my DD will not be enough before I can see him again – I will hug him with my mask on, because “I’m sorry DD, I can’t live without feeling another hug from you”.
I’ve been letting myself down. Relying on people is foolish. But I’ve been doing just that.
Looking for someone to save me when the Lord already has.
Looking for someone to need me when the Lord already does.
Looking for someone to hold me when the Lord already is.
Looking for a love to cure the break in my heart when the Lord already can.
I’ve been let down time and time in my life. It’s time that I focus on me, which truthfully is the most difficult thing for me to do because it goes against all of the empathy in my heart, all of the love in my soul, and all of the understanding in my mind. It’s not anyone else’s fault that I feel hurt right now, besides my own. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me indefinitely, shame on me again and until further notice. I’m an empath. And I keep letting myself down. It’s time for this cycle to end.
I’m codependent. My husband understands. Brady gets it. And he’s ok with it. There are times where I begin to feel guilty for taking his light, so to speak, by weighing him down with codependency.
I’m hyperfocused. Because anxiety doesn’t get its chance to overwhelm me if I don’t let it.
I’m telling you my faults, because I have to let them out. I need to learn to let go so that I can enjoy the blessings that God has so graciously placed in my life. I need to open my eyes to the opportunities that He has put in front of me. I need to put my hyperfixation and codependency in the Lord who loves me and forgives me indefinitely. The Lord who gave his life for me to be cleansed of my sins indefinitely. The Lord who watches over me and protects me indefinitely.
Our first step was to move away physically.
The next step to a new beginning, a better life, to creating memories with my husband that we will always speak about, to becoming ME, to letting go of my past that’s hurt me so that I can be happy without the weight of the world on my shoulders for the first time in my life, throwing baggage away without looking back, and fixating my eyes forward to a BEAUTIFUL future, even if that future may just be for the rest of this moment, the next step to a new beginning is letting go – is moving away mentally. I cannot describe how badly I want to
My life is beautiful and has wonders ahead.
I only need to