Autoimmune Disease

Black Dog.

Anxiety and pain have been the only two emotions I’ve experienced this year. Yes, this entire year.

Blow a bit of happiness across the surface of it all, like glitter, but that’s all that it’s been — specks that shine in the light when you focus enough to see them.

In a room of blinding darkness, with Light lost from my mind’s calling, seeing the specks isn’t so possible.

I try to communicate, to express, to explain, to find new words, to sing, to scream, to yearn for anything fulfilling. I feel so heavy and lost. I don’t want to feel this way – so I disassociate.

I push away everyone that cares to be around me.

I want to run. Leave and never come back.

Everything needs to change, but I don’t know how to change the environment I live in quickly enough to satisfy my need for a difference.

It’s easier to visualize it like a dream.

It’s easier to escape reality when reality won’t escape you.

It’s easier to visualize the world that you want to escape to. Mountains and beaches. People you wish were with. How those people behave or respond to you. The exact words they would say to make everything ok again, the words you need to hear, and in the order, tone, and colors you need to hear them in. And it would be better. And now it’s better.

It’s easier to intertwine a disassociated reality into the reality we live in with the comforts to combat the anxiety, worries, and pain.

I’d much rather think of a possible, yet inverted, dream than to think of how alone I feel.

I’d much rather think of something comforting than to feel the complete and utter assault that the pain forces my soul and body to lie under.

I’ve disassociated myself from reality through my entire life, and I just realized that it’s what I was doing.

Imagine how insane I feel… how different and even more unbelonging than before. I feel like I let you down.

Now I have to begin the mending process… mending my heart back together after the pieces shattered onto the floor when the clouds cleared. Reality hits hard, even more so when you’ve attempted to avoid it.

Don’t do what I’ve done time and time again through almost 29 years.

Don’t avoid the pain. It’s twice as invasive if the initial impact is held off.

Don’t push away the people that love you.

Don’t hold grudges against people who can’t possibly understand what you’re going through. The majority of the time, YOU don’t even know what you’re going through… until you look back and it all becomes so vivid.

I get it. I’m there. You are not alone. You need to remember, though, that dreams grow flowers in an instant. Life requires you to plant, nurture, and protect the flowers before they’ve had a chance to bloom. To plant one flower in your life, is to believe in the beauty of tomorrow.

I’d take a jump off the fire escape to make the black dog go away. It’s so cruel what your mind can do for no reason.” – “Black Dog” by Arlo Parks Sometimes it seems like you won’t survive this, and honestly it’s terrifying.

It wouldn’t change my issues or change your mind, because I broke your heart, and you buried mine.” – “Broken” by Lund

I wonder if this is as good as it gets. If it were up to me, I wouldn’t have to be counting the heartbeats in my chest. – “as good as it gets” by sophie meiers You want me to believe I’ll escape from tragedy, but destroying myself is what I do best.

Feels like I’m just wasting time – I hope that I’m not foolish, chasing dreams that are useless – I just need some peace of mind. “Be Alright” by Bri Green I can’t do this, I’m too nervous. When will it all be worth it?

Are you the answer to these feelings that are tearing me apart? – “Can I Fall in Love With a Broken Heart?” by Joshua Speers I’m scared that I’m just hurt… that I’m using you to hide the pain, but there’s something here that works — a love that I just can’t explain.

I want back time that you’ve wasted. – “Crickets” by Chloe Angelides I hope you’re not like this with anybody.

“If who I am is who I am, I’ve got to stand even though I’m so uncomfortable.” – “not going down” by EZI God only knows I’m doing my best, while out of my element.

There’s something so lonely at night that leaves me feeling see through. – “Lonely and Bored” by Genevieve Stokes I feel so separate from myself. I’m never close enough to feel you.

Feeling like I’m going crazy, and I don’t know what to do. Because on paper, you don’t break them, but it hurts so bad when you bend the rules. – “Bend The Rules” by Niall Horan I’m not saying that you’re lying, but you’re leaving out the truth.

Staring at my face in the mirror – “are you coming back to me?”- “Kai’s Song” by Overcoats Don’t lie to me. I know you don’t like what you see, but I’m not going back to how I used to be.

I wished you were there instead, but then I shook it off. What the hell did I used to do? – “Did It To Myself” by Orla Gartland You’re everything I know, get ready for the come down.

You are not alone. You didn’t let anyone down. You didn’t ruin anything. Keep loving. It’s going to be ok.

25 “Hyperfixation” Habits People Use to Cope With Mental IllnessThe Mighty

🤍🖤,

Bailey

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