What she said…

Not because of the quarantine.

Not because of every “what if”, “ when”, and “why” that haven’t been answered.

My heart has had enough. The back and forth, up and down… Sometimes people just don’t deserve to be in your life because of their effect on you. The way that you treat and talk to yourself in the company of someone else is huge. You deserve love – and you fill that tank – STOP waiting for someone else to. Someone, anyone else will let you down every. Single. Time.

There’s an escape in my mind, and it’s where I flee when I’m alone. On my own, but still deeply in love with my husband, as he is with me.

I want to learn how to be alone and how to be ok with it. I use people to distract me. No, not literally “use people”, but they’ve become a medium that fits ever so softly into the place that is full of pain.

I’m overwhelmed.

I’m anxious.

I’m hurt.

I’m lost and confused.

I’m sick and tired.

I’m tired of being sick.

I’m annoyed.

And I’ve become bitter throughout the process of learning who I am…

I love me because I know who I am. I know that I’m loyal. I’m thoughtful and loving. I’m selfless. I’m trustworthy, patient, and strong. I will go out of my way to help – literally – anyone, but no one will do the same for me.

I’ve learned that if I focus on what is inside – inside of my heart, inside of my hope, inside of my faith, and inside of my love – and apply my strengths to the innermost circle of my life, my joy is abundant!

It’s the outer circles that attempt to close in on me that start the circus of thoughts (negative thoughts) in my head. The circle that isn’t there when I call/need them because it’s just not convenient for the time…

“but we can talk later”.

“I don’t need you later – I need you now!”

Somehow it never fails, I’m there for them no matter what, when, or why… it’s been 2am before, and I’m there without a second thought.

How do you grow away from that? The emotions in my head and heart are so overwhelming that I cannot move forward regarding the practice of self love. If you don’t have one foundation solid, the rest will collapse in time as you build on a shaky surface.

It’s sort of like when you have mono (me again) and you work out so hard that your spleen feels like it’s tearing apart… just release it all… get it out. Leave it to the side. Sweep it under the rug… I don’t look under there anymore, so it’s the perfect hiding place for thoughts meant to not be thought of.

I want to run away. Leave. Get out of this place. Begin anew, breathe new air, learn new things with my husband, experience an adventure…

I just want to run so far away that no one can stop me. No one may notice that I’m gone. Or maybe I just won’t hear them as they plead to “come back!!” I won’t come back.

I will run where the wind takes me, my love and best friend by my side.

He has never wavered his belief in me. I’m forever grateful for him. 💕

I’m slowly killing myself.

I’m trying so hard at the back of the shelf.

It’s just the same every day —

I’m writing these songs that will never get played,

I get told what’s wrong and what’s right.

I don’t have a romantic life,

And everyone’s dying

So I keep on trying

To make them proud before they are gone. Oh, can’t someone help me?

Oh, please someone help me…

I don’t care anyone, anything

‘Cause I’m so sick of being so lonely.

I miss all my family…

Oh, I don’t care, anyone, anything

‘Cause I’m so sick of being so lonely.

I’m spending more than I earn.

Drink all the time to forget I’m not her…

‘Cause I go to parties sometimes,

And I’ll kiss a boy and pretend for the night.

‘Cause I don’t know much about me —

I’m still ashamed of who I used to be.

So I try way too hard, but I still miss the mark to fit in.

Oh, help me.

Oh, please someone help me.

I don’t care anyone, anything

‘Cause I’m so sick of being so lonely.

I miss all my family.

God, I don’t care, anyone, anything

‘Cause I’m so sick of being so lonely.

I don’t care, anyone, anything

‘Cause I’m so sick of being so lonely…

-“Lonely” by Noah Cyrus

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