Autoimmune Disease

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Today, a song played through my phone’s speakers, and my heart strings finally came unraveled. All of the weird, confusing, pain, hurt, disappointment, and weakness that I’ve held onto since 2015ish; all of the feelings that words couldn’t possibly describe suddenly had meaning within the lyrics that flowed through my ears, as I stopped and listened – surprised.

My best trait: I’m loyal.

My worst trait: I’m loyal.

If you’re my friend, you’re my friend. That’s kind of just it.

As of late, I’ve been putting the walls up around my heart. I’m tired of losing my soulmates, whether they be friends or family. I’ve been hurt more than I can describe by someone who meant more to me than a friendship. She was my sister. And I miss her.

These feelings need released, they’ve been held inside for far too long. I need them out of my head and into the world, so that maybe they will be read by the right person who has kept my heart strings in a teary eyed, blood soaked, unforgiven, and tangled up mess – pushed deep into the”no thought” zone of my mind. This song told me I haven’t been alone with this feeling of despair from losing someone I (thought I) KNEW would never leave.

It’s always RIGHT when the guard comes down. You feel like they get it, but that’s a rarity, my friend. A rarity that you clutch onto in the moment you have it… and you don’t let go. The only sadness to you, by not letting go, though, is that they, also, have the option to decide to hold on or let go for whatever they feel you’re worth.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”‬‬

Proverbs 4:23 NIV

“Charlotte” by Sody

You didn’t wanna know me –

Said you didn’t wanna know me,

But you hide behind the lies.

You’re in disguise, I can’t describe

The feeling when I said to you –

Do you remember what I said to you?

You said you wanted to hang out for coffee,

But you didn’t even reply.

I’m not even worth it am I?

 

Deep down when no one’s around,

You’ve got a heart of gold.

Where is it now?

I don’t have another way to get to you.

 

Charlotte, I see a piece of you in all of my friends.

It’s over now so why am I still thinking back

To all the times when all we did was laugh and cry for hours.

You let me down.

So Charlotte, would you still care

If you knew I was hurting?

I miss my friend, it’s like I’m missing

Parts of me I didn’t know,

And now I’ve got to let them go,

But I, I just wanna know if you’re still fine…?

 

I kinda miss your family;

Your dad was always there for me.

He drove us anywhere we wanna

Singing songs like karaoke,

But that was six years ago…

Where did all the time go?

I wonder if you’ve changed your hair.

Do you still live a stop from mine?

Maybe it’s a matter of time,

‘Cause deep down when no one’s around,

You’ve got a heart of gold.

Where is it now?

I don’t have another way to get to you…

 

Charlotte, I see a piece of you in all of my friends.

It’s over now so why am I still thinking back

To all the times when all we did was laugh and cry for hours.

You let me down.

So Charlotte, would you still care

If you knew I was hurting?

I miss my friend, it’s like I’m missing

Parts of me I didn’t know,

And now I’ve got to let them go,

But I, I just wanna know if you’re still fine…?

 

I just wanna know if you’re still fine;

I just wanna know if you’re still fine?

‘Cause if not, I’m there in a hurry.

You moved on but you’re part of my story.

Everything is coming back to me now –

Thought I’d be there when you marry.

Does your therapist know about me?

‘Cause mine does, mine does…

 

Charlotte, would you still care

If you knew I was hurting?

I miss my friend, it’s like I’m missing

Parts of me I didn’t know,

And now I’ve got to let them go,

But I,

I just wanna know if you’re still fine.

I will always be here for you if you’re ever in need.🤍

💔,

Bailey

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