Autoimmune Disease

The sun came out today,

and I realized how important it is for me to stand on my own two feet.

I wish I could have realized that lesson when you were here.

Your smile was so contagious. Just looking at it in pictures, it’s become a reflex for me to smile back at you.

The love you had for life is unbelievable. You never needed to lose someone to know how much you needed them in your life, to know how much they contributed to your life.

I wish I knew how much you contributed to my life when you were here. The ground was so unsteady when you first left us – as if I had been trying to balance on the surface of water. It hasn’t been until recently that I’ve finally gained my footing. Your absence in life affected us all so greatly. No one knew who to turn to for extra support. None of us had extra support to give, because we were looking for the same thing ourselves.

Jesus has helped each of us tremendously. You knew that He would. Standing on my own doesn’t require any effort anymore, but I still miss you more than I ever thought I could miss anyone.

I watched my fur babies soak the sun in this late afternoon, and I’m sad to have missed the sunrise this morning. I know it must have been so beautiful for us to not have seen the sun within the last few days.

It was when I let my dogs inside that I started listening to what God wanted me to hear for today. He was telling me how much you loved. He was showing me how you loved us so much, that it was a necessity for our lives to become part of your own. When we were sad, you felt it. When we were happy, you felt it. When we were hurting, you felt it. You loved so much, you were such a breath of fresh air for my heart in this cruel and terrifying world. All of us can only pray to meet a friend of this world that would care as much as you did.

I realized that I’ve been lonely because of your love not being reachable in person, but in spirit you are still as reachable as I could ever imagine to need.

God blessed us when He placed us each by your side. I will forever wonder what it was that you needed from me that Sunday. Just the fact that you needed me in whatever way, just to check up, whatever it may have been, is good enough on its own, though.

Our lives were so important for your life to be ok. Knowing what we all had going on, knowing what was holding our excitement or fear, you felt it at the same intensity.

The role you gave to my life will never be fillable from anyone on earth. I’m just realizing though, that it’s ok that the light in my heart remain on. God fills that space now, and you wouldn’t hope for anything less.

Losing you rocked my world in the most destructive pattern.

But having you in my life from my first breath built me up everyday for 26years. I will always remember you, your happiness, your warmth, your laugh, things you said, moments we shared, things we felt, the answers we both craved, the promise I made you, knowing how much we STILL mean to you, how you told us that you feel bad for US – having to stay in this world as it only worsens, knowing how confident you and all of us were because we knew exactly where you were going – granted from the way that you lived your life. I will always miss the compliments you sincerely gave – because you knew how crucial it is for us to believe in ourselves. You laid out how crucially important – and the impossibility without – belief it was for us to truly live. I miss our FaceTimes when you and DD sat in your living room for the evening. I miss every phone call and conversation. It amazes me how you have shown and given us, each, the importance every life needs and deserves. I miss our lunches that we shared, I miss how much you loved my fur babies: Taco, Chachi, Dottie, and Pancake. Chachi and Dottie still know your name. “Mimi”. Chachi never immediately loved anyone – except you. The amount that you cared for them, and each FaceTime you asked to see them each. You thought Taco was beautiful – and he still is. But no one/nothing’s beauty could ever be as true and full as yours.

A second holiday season is beginning without you, but there seems to be so many more than just two.

Between the two of us, we have so much history and so many memories, each of these posts could last an eternity. I know you don’t want me to hurt like I do when I write about you. I will never NOT KNOW you in my life, until that day. I never DIDN’T have you, until that day. I realize a little bit more every day how blessed I am to be able to say that. The impact you gave to my life will always inspire me to live, even a portion, of the life size you were to me.

Thank you, Mimi.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you. (Especially when I first pour my coffee in the morning.)

Not a day goes by that I don’t miss you.

We all love you.

I love you.

My heart is full of gratitude, simply just for knowing you.

My heart is full of blessings from the inspiration that you filled us with and, also, left behind for each of us.

I strive to see beyond the hurting and cruelty this life gives off automatically, because I know that you were able to look beyond that too. Each hurt life gave you never changed any of the love you gave back to it. I’m inspired to live in such an enormous way. Each day is a lesson learned, and I thank you, more than I can say, for the protection you had veiled over me. I will never NOT miss that. I will never NOT miss you.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I cannot express it enough.

I wish I could fix it, I wish I knew what to say
But everything feels like a lie these days
Don’t know how not to feel that way

They’re reaching for reasons, it’s all gonna be okay
But everyone feels like a liar these days
Don’t know how not to feel that way

“But if you need me, I’ll be right there
When you’re dreaming all your nightmares
I’ll come tackle the monsters
I’ll find where they hide in the nighttime
If you need me, I’ll be right there
When you’re happy and when you’re scared
I can still be your shoulder
I’ll be by your side even if I’m not next to you”

Have I spent too much time on what we used to be?
Am I making up details in the memories?
Have I got too caught up on the you and me thing?
Well, I’m hoping not ’cause I loved what we got
Out of sight, don’t mean out out of mind
Not in your space, but you’re still in mine
Hope you don’t think I could leave you like that

“But if you need me, I’ll be right there
When you’re dreaming all your nightmares
I’ll come tackle the monsters
I’ll find where they hide in the nighttime
If you need me, I’ll be right there
When you’re happy and when you’re scared
I can still be your shoulder
I’ll be by your side even if I’m not next to you, to you
I’ll be by your side even if I’m not next to you”

Well, time is friends with distance
But they ain’t no friends of ours
And that’s fine because

“If you need me, I’ll be right there
When you’re dreaming all your nightmares
I’ll come tackle the monsters
I’ll find where they hide in the nighttime
If you need me, I’ll be right there
When you’re happy and when you’re scared
I can still be your shoulder
I’ll be by your side even if I’m not next to you, to you
I’ll be by your side even if I’m not next to you
I’ll be by your side even if I’m not next to you…”

– Julia Michaels

❤️☀️🦋,

Your Sunshine

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