Autoimmune Disease

Pause.

It’s on the days of which required a bit of venting to make it through that I have to remember: that’s what “Fearlessly Making Sunshine” is all about.

The name of this blog, in no way, suggests that finding happiness and warmth is easy. This world is in fact pretty cold to the touch, and often I’m disappointed in the people/situations/opportunities that have come to pass.

Before I began my determination for a healthier life, I was often sick . I haven’t been sick in about 2 months – which is honestly unheard of. This new life that I’ve constructed has success written all over it. That, however, doesn’t mean that there won’t be struggles along the way…

I can’t begin to describe the feeling of frustration at this moment. Sort of hurtful. Sort of concerned. Mostly needing breath.

The pain is the one thing that I can’t beat in certain occasions, such as the weather, as storms come and go, and the barometric pressure changes. A different kind of pain has hung around for far longer than I would have welcomed it (had I welcomed it at all!).

The only way I know to make this circus (*insert all that apply from choices below*)

Mononucleosis

Shortness of breath

Pure exhaustion

Blinded confusion

Hypocrisy

Physical pain

Emotional pain

Logical pain

Disappointments

Interruption

Knowing you’re willing to be more than anyone else is willing to be for you

Tears

Overwhelming expectations

Expectations – on their own

Bullying

Loneliness

False identifications

Competition

Discomfort

Anxious heart beats

Racing thoughts

Not being good enough (I am damned proud of myself and all that I have and continue to accomplish)

Never having the correct answer, even when it’s correct.

Other’s opinions

Forceful nature

Missing who has gone

Attempting to help the broken

The stress of holding this weight on my shoulders

Watching my solid ground become covered by the sea, completely, as the tide rises…

Knowing I’m alone when he’s gone…

[The only way I know to make this circus (*insert all that apply from choices below*)] calmer, less pressing, not as overwhelming, and to PAUSE for a second in time,

To clear my head,

I’ll be in bed.

He holds my hand.

I won’t fight my eyes to close.

I won’t check the time on my phone.

It’s screen will be black and unseen,

and for once in this lifetime I will have forgotten,

because for once in this lifetime he will be right there – with no where else to be,

And everything is paused…

Still in motion, and stopped in time.

I am his, and he is mine.

We will rest alone as the clock forgoes its track.

Without words we agree, in a future time, we will be back.

-“Pause” by Bailey 8/16/19

Shot by: Rebecca & Serene, Choreography by: Dennis, Organized by: Wilson – from Emily Chan’s Pinterest boards

Wanna lie to you
Say I’m doing so well,
Show you photos too, to prove that I been doing so well.
When I hide the truth,
Wanna dress up pain in heaven like we all try to do.

I’m scared to call call call you back.
I’m no good good good at trying
To tell you that I’m not doing okay,
But I’m dying to hear you say:

“Just take a breath, love.
Fill your lungs up.
Rest your head.
There’s no sense in losing sleep.

You can break down.
Let your worst out.
Lose your temper,
But you’re not losing me.
You’re not losing me.”

Don’t wanna cry to you,
I was feeling so good…
Took another sip and hit the bottom, like I knew that I would.
The things we do,
When we dress up pain like heaven in a moment of truth.

I’m want to call call call you back.
I’m no good good good at trying
To tell you that I’m not doing okay,
But I’m dying to hear you say:

“Just take a breath, love.
Fill your lungs up.
Rest your head.
There’s no sense in losing sleep.

You can break down.
Let your worst out.
Lose your temper,
But you’re not losing me.
You’re not losing me.”

You could be so happy then it suddenly turns.
No one can explain it, and you don’t have the words.
I can see you’re trying; I can see that it hurts.
I can see you’re trying; I can see that it hurts.

“Just take a breath, love.
Fill your lungs up.
Rest your head.
There’s no sense in losing sleep.

You can break down.
Let your worst out.
Lose your temper,
But you’re not losing me.
You’re not losing me.”

Like a bed that you can fall in when you’re broken,
I’m the air that’s running through a window – open.

“Take a breath, love
Fill your lungs up
Rest your head
‘Cause you’re not losing me
You’re not losing me…”

– “Losing Me” by Gabrielle Aplin & JP Cooper

🦋

🦋

Something got me down; what’s happening to me?
You can try to call, but I’ma let it ring.
I’m so overwhelmed – need a little room to breathe.
Something got me down; what’s happening to me?

I’m sick of all these feelings – all these feelings that I hate
All you wanna do is tell me how I’ve gotta change.
If this is love to you, I don’t want it.

I think I need a little peace.
I only get it when I sleep.
We just need a week to
See where this could take us.
I don’t wanna speak;
Maybe we should break up, peace.
I need a little peace.

I can hear a voice echoing inside of me;
It’s telling me to run, telling me I’ve gotta leave.

I’m sick of all these feelings – all these feelings that I hate.
All you wanna do is tell me how I’ve gotta change.
If this is love to you, I don’t want it.

I think I need a little peace.
I only get it when I sleep.
We just need a week to
See where this could take us.
I don’t wanna speak;
Maybe we should break up, peace
I need a little peace.

I’m sick of all these feelings – all these feelings that I hate.
All you wanna do is tell me how I’ve gotta change.
If this is love to you, I don’t want it.

I need a little peace.
It’s wearing on me
Wearin’ me down, down, down.
I don’t recognize me

I think I need a little peace.
I only get it when I sleep.
We just need a week to
See where this could take us.
I don’t wanna speak;
Maybe we should break up, peace.
I need a little peace.

-“i think we should break up” by Hollyn

🦋

🦋

❤️☀️🦋

Courage to write by:

Bailey

2 thoughts on “Pause.

    1. Aw, Alyssa thank you soooo much!!! Your compliment means so much to me!!

      I bet we do have a lot in common!! So many autoimmune disorders have so much that are similar to them! I hate that we both meet this way, but maybe it’ll be a good thing!!🥰🥰

      Like

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