I won’t follow you.

“Be nice to my Bae!” I hear on the other side of the phone. (My mom has always called me “Bae”, spelled just as so. Before it was considered to be a significant other.)

“You can’t love [someone else] until you love yourself first… How do you expect to?”

How do I respond to that? When my brain is already a whirlwind of emotions, spinning as it breaks my heart to pieces in the wind of its tornado. Spinning, rushing, crashing, with names of people that have left my life, one way or another, one time or another – each in their own ways of inflicting pain. Some on purpose, and others not anywhere close… Every last name spelled out representing a human being that I never considered losing. Every one of them was as stable as an island in the middle of the ocean – standing amongst the tidal waves as they crash against the vertical “end of the line” rocks, sharper than you could sharpen some knives.

It hasn’t been until now that I’ve realized why there is such saying as my mom stated to me…

In the end, you’re all that you have. This statement could be a good thing or maybe not so good – determined by how you live.

Do you take notice as others pass you, or do you stare at your shoes? A smile is all it takes to brighten someone’s day sometimes.

The best thing about smiles:

Everyone smiles in the same language. ❤️

How much effort does it truly take to be kind?

Where my mother has her point: even to yourself – how hard is it to be kind?

How difficult is it to exercise a mere 30 minutes per day? Not even every single day, just as many as you need to fuel yourself for you, for others.

Stay with me here…

Sjögrens and Fibromyalgia. Let’s consider them the “others” in this case. For as long as I can think back to – they’ve stolen my life. They’ve stolen my friends when I couldn’t keep up with their energy levels. They’ve stolen the considered “social activity” that we all know as food. To eat with another is to share in their good graces. To share such time with another, now (minus the awkwardness) a conversation and explanation must take place (which brings the awkwardness straight up anyways). What a foot to begin on. They’ve stolen all that I’ve lived: family (at a point), friends, school, or jobs.

Be nice to me? How can I love myself when I’m broken – constantly enduring the pain from my body as it hurts itself, as it breaks me down, calling for help to stand in the deepest valley.

Or is it actually possible to love myself? I went out on a crazy limb one day and started a work out program, started eating better, started moving more. . .

You wouldn’t truly believe it. . .

A light shown on me, and I began to believe in myself. The cob webbed corner of my brain began turning once again, and the lights in the office came on.

My pain is all but gone (a 3 from a constant 7-8? Consider it gone!). My clothes fit better, I feel better, my mood is lifted, and others are encouraging me as I’ve never heard. I wouldn’t even consider those the best of the best!

I now refuse to let anyone steal my sparkle. My gold, my glitter, my happy, my belief, my heart, my treasure, and all the love that I’ve found for me – no one will dare touch that. And that includes Sjögrens and Fibromyalgia, no matter the weather, no matter a dislocated knee, no matter a troubled stomach – you will not take my sunshine away. No one will.

Speaking of Sunshine, the best feeling in the entire history of my life is knowing that before my precious encourager passed away – one year ago in almost a month – we had every answer. She worried for me and my health. I thought I was doing what was best by giving into my body and the pain. Accepting that way of life… that’s the worst thing that I could have done, turns out. Because now I feel the strength to find her smile inside of me to give to others – because I kept your promise, Mimi. I’m better. And it was much easier than an easy fix! ☀️🌻

If being kind to myself can make so much of a difference within my heart, spirit, and soul, what kind of difference would it make to the world?

Smile. But push harder and smile at one more person.

Laugh. Even if your laugh makes others laugh at you.

Dance. Because who cares if anyone is watching?

Love. Because that’s what Jesus told us to do.

And leave one another with peace.

I always find the most creative ways to destroy myself.
I can tear me down better than anybody else;
I don’t need your help
I don’t need your help.

You’ve been pouring gasoline in your living room,
Light a cigarette while you complain about the fumes.
Who are you to talk?
Who are you to talk?

You’re so shook when I catch on fire
So surprised when I have an answer
Guess no one told you, now I told you:
We’re not living in the void
Ain’t it weird when I think stuff?

Oh, come on, just say something
No, go ahead, tell me, what do I need?
I’m not the kind of girl you undo.

I’ve been undone long before you

You can tie your favorite noose around my neck
Cut me down when I turn blue, and act like I’m the wreck.
I don’t need your help.

You’re so shook when I look right passed you.
So surprised you don’t get an answer.
Guess no one told you, now I told you:
We’re not living in the void.
Ain’t it weird to feel small and stuff?

Oh, come on, just say something
No, go ahead, tell me, what do I need?
I’m not the kind of girl you undo
I’m not the kind of girl you undo.

I’ve been undone long before you.

You’ve been holding all I have over open flames,
Stepping into Hades while you’re calling out my name.
I won’t follow you. . .

No, go ahead, tell me, what do I need?

I’m not the kind of girl you undo
I’m not the kind of girl you undo.
I’ve been undone long before you
I’ve been undone long before you.

-“Undo” by Transviolet

Be smart. Be cautious. Do your best. And just love.

““Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Matthew 6:19-21 NIV



4 thoughts on “I won’t follow you.

  1. Hey there, Bailey. You’re looking beautiful as always =) I’m happy to hear that everything is starting to feel ok for you. I’ve been busy outside of here, trying to find myself and all that jazz. I’ve been talking to a close friend of mine and think we may be on to something. Keep an eye out on my blog for further details on that. For now, I just want to say hi and that I missed bouncing replies back and forth with you. lol. I’ll be sure to check out all your post I missed soon! Much love to you!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Bailey, as I’ve told you so many times, you need to write a book. Your words are so touching, real and heartfelt. I love reading your blogs and I love you!!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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