Autoimmune Disease

“I’m sick of losing soulmates.”

*Explicit song lyrics*

I can take the hit, but I’m sorry – I don’t want the bruise.” – “Headspace” by Lewis Capaldi

Loyalty is a lifestyle – not a choice, but it’s a lifestyle that people just don’t chose to live anymore.

Unfortunately, fibromyalgia and Sjögren’s Syndrome choose the loyal behavior far more often than not. Though I’m working on healing myself from the inside – out, they will always crawl, lurking underneath my skin, searching for an opening to roar.

There comes a time in the path of your disease when you cry: “STOP!”, because everything and everyone becomes too much.

As I attempt to better my mind, body, and heart, these vultures realize they are no longer the center of attention, and they cower, into the punches of a healthy lifestyle for once.

That’s when you can for sure say – “Sjögren’s, Fibro, Celiac, Depression, Anxiety, you no longer own me.

I will never again take your advice.

I will never again cater to your pure negativity.

I will no longer be afraid of the world.”

As you slowly stand up, your clunky chains fall away from you; they no longer hold you back from the life you deserve and the life you dreamed of.

It isn’t long before you realize: they’ve been your cover, your shell, your reasoning center, your entire life since your diagnosed day 1.

You’re naked in a crowd without your covers of detriment.

Reflex, with a speed of “yesterday”.

Arms for coverage, slowly you step backwards until your back is finally against a wall that you slide down, and curl up as a fetus lies in full protection of its mother. You curl your legs up, wrap your arms around your ankles, and hide your face into the cradle of your knees.

Everything is changing colors; It’s a “don’t get any closer” moment.

Sure, you could stand up, proud of your new skin and flaunt it! You’ve done that so often, so many times, but it’s nearly unbearable.

The same pattern will follow…

You’ll meet an amazing person that will become a new friend. Your husband will be just as thrilled for you as you are for yourself.

You begin to open up after a little time goes by, peeks of your colors, not quite what anyone expects. And here comes the downfall. . . They begin to realize that you weren’t lying about your health when you previously stated you don’t care much to talk about it. . .

This is when all loyalty slips out of the window, taking a high dive – head first onto the street side. Sure people saw the loyalty die. Does anyone stop to help? Does anyone attempt to figure out what exactly happened for such a horrific scene to be walked around as if it were only a traffic cone? No, but they will stop to poke and make fun of the bloody, broken heart on the pavement.

“STOP!”, you yell. It’s not loud enough to be heard over the laughter and the bullies. It’s not loud enough to be heard over every past pain that spills out of your heart – split open down the center of all 4 chambers.

Every time you yell “stop!”, the volume and base in your voice lowers and lowers. There’s no echo. There’s no defender for you. People simply attack you as you are curled up against the best hiding place in plain sight.

You’re heart is broken on the pavement, and the space that your heart belonged is somehow now broken too from the sticks they poke you with, and the stones that they throw at your gaping wound inside of your chest, as if you were the net inside a game of basket ball.

Feelings build up. Anger builds up. And you begin taking out your hurt, fear, and frustration on those who have nothing to do with the place your in, nor the feelings that you feel. Irritation.

You will never regret loving others.

I think I’ll take a lesson learned on this one, and keep on trying the best I can, no matter my feelings or situation in life.

What a strange being you are, God knows where I would be
If you hadn’t found me, sitting all alone in the dark
A dumb screenshot of youth
Watch how a cold broken teen
Will desperately lean on a superglued human of proof

What the hell would I be, without you?
Brave face talk so lightly, hide the truth

‘Cause I’m sick of losing soulmates, so where do we begin
I can finally see, you’re as fucked up as me
So how do we win?
Yeah, I’m sick of losing soulmates, won’t be alone again
I can finally see, you’re as fucked up as me
So how do we win?

We will grow old as friends, 
I’ve promised that before so what’s one more
In our grey-haired circle, waiting for the end?
Time and hearts will wear us thin
So which path will you take, ’cause we both know a break
Does exactly what it says on the tin

What the hell would I be, without you?
Brave face talk so lightly, hide the truth

‘Cause I’m sick of losing soulmates, so where do we begin
I can finally see, you’re as fucked up as me
So how do we win?
Yeah, I’m sick of losing soulmates, won’t be alone again
I can finally see, you’re as fucked up as me
So how do we win?

I won’t take no for an answer.

‘Cause I’m sick of losing soulmates, so where do we begin
I can finally see, you’re as fucked up as me
So how do we win?
Yeah, I’m sick of losing soulmates, won’t be alone again
I can finally see, you’re as fucked up as me
So how do we win?

-“Sick of Losing Soulmates” by dodie

❤️🦋☀️,

Bailey

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