Well, it’s about time for real words and real life rather than the passive/creative/poet style/story telling format that usually comes from my over-sensitized brain and sometimes (probably most actually) from my broken heart from the cruelty of our nonadaptive world. . .
The weather has been beautiful here. We have prayed for rain, for I’m not even sure how long! Well it finally showed up, but not without vengeance for all those with joint problems and chronic pain, unfortunately.
It’s been cloudy for at least 2-3 weeks now, raining every so often to make our yellow grasses green and littering our yard with dandelions and wishes waiting to be made.
The affects of the beautiful smell of fresh rain during the springtime, other than the breeze that flows through our deep cleaned (by chronic pain definition) house, has sadly been swollen joints, muscle spasms, pain that even my strongest meds won’t touch, and a completely whole reminder of why we searched for help in the first place. . .
I would normally insert my first experience with this unhealthy mess here, but I am working on adding some new pages that will contain all of that information, plus some resources.
In continuation of the paragraph before last, due to the recent increase in pain, I was pushed to my last limit of the flare that fell on top of me as my muscles have loosened into a more relaxed state after losing my Mimi. Some deep breaths, and a lot of tears and prayers have brought me here, but finally, I could let the tension go.
First time flare pain, before I’d been diagnosed. I handled it the best I could, but the pain finally broke me. I gave into the hole that sucked me in immediately.
The closest people to me have been begging me to find another opinion, but most importantly, they’ve begged me to find help.
We’ve tossed a couple hospitals and research centers around, trying to figure out the best route to go. Brady and I – suddenly and out of an intense load of pain and stress on us both – made an agreeable decision to turn down the reputable name: Mayo Clinic.
I mentioned in my last post or a couple back at least, and that was directly after I had applied. I was terrified. My anxiety and stress levels were through the roof completely. Somehow through the twisted roots of anxiety and stress, I found a bit of relief.
I was called for an interview for more information to pass along to a doctor. They would then approve or deny me the ability to be treated at their Minnesota location – did I mention that traveling is far from an easy task? The change in sea levels results in quite a bit of change in the barometric pressure, which then result in pain for me.
I would have to wait about 3 business days to hear from them.
Denied. And a flood of relief came over me. More relief than the relief I found from applying… which was surprising to me. It could possible be described by Brady’s shocked face and statement: “well… you aren’t sick enough to be considered for the Mayo Clinic right now, so it could always be worse!”
And as tired as I am of my rheumatologist’s rude way of speaking to me – and then even more so when she added “you just need to exercise.” Which – I’m not stupid. I know that exercise not only releases highly helpful neurotransmitters in your brain, it also conditions your body.
I’m just so tired of it almost being a doctor’s way of saying “there’s nothing more that I can do for you.”
My first thought was: “at least help me get more oxygen into my lungs so that I can breathe first!”
My second thought came off as: “I pay you to help me. You’re not helping me, and you’re being rude about it.” (They’re lucky that they are the top rated and one of two choices of the rheumatologists where I’m located.)
And then it actually dawned on me…
What am I doing to help myself?
Ive given into my illnesses completely. Pain will change you. Am I lazy? By NO means what-so-ever. Do I exercise? By NO means what-so-ever. Haha!😂🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
So Im taking this into my own hands now y’all. If I’m unwilling to help myself, There isn’t a possible way that anyone else could help me either.
Wish me luck! And good thoughts, too. Please. 😂🥰
Maybe I’ll be able to drop some meds, and benefit physically and mentally from this program, just as I’ve been asking my doctor to do for me – how unrealistic is that? (Being sore from a work out feels as if my fibromyalgia flared up again. The amazing “sore” and “productive” feeling that comes from exercise, I get just the same as fibro PAIN – so yes I’ve avoided this greatly. However, I’m excited to see where this new path takes me!)