Autoimmune Disease

Lifeguard.

We said it would be a hard year. When we used the word “hard” in December of 2017, we were clueless of what it would add up to.

My days no longer feel long enough.

The hours fly passed me like the birds from above.

My “to-do” list circles my head as a hula hoop would circle a child’s waist in innocent play.

Slow down…

Be Still…

Enjoy every second of the breath you have, the air you breathe in, and the carbon dioxide that you breathe out, letting every stressor out. Away. Go away.

It’s the stressor’s that stick, the ones that are impossible to exhale. You try to breathe out, breathe in again, and out — not even loose. It’s those hard stressors, as we are calling them, but really – they’re changes. Life changes. from your aching heart. Transformations, threatening every second of your current way of living.

I attempt to count the days left of this “hard” year, but they’re moving too quickly for me to foresee.

The sting, the stabbing pain of the knife we cannot remove from our chests — it lingers. Recently, the burn has again begun, just as we hardened to the sting of the first blow… a burn now… is this the same knife, pulled out and thrust back into place so quickly that we were unaware of its absence? Or has a new dagger joined the current -pipping hot metal… it was at this moment we realized — we hadn’t hardened ourselves to the splitting of our hearts – not nearly as much as we originally believed.

No amount of words, no combination of adjectives could ever begin to explain the raw pain of loosing someone you love.

Friends, family, those that you’ve allowed to be even closer than family (the ones you trust more than completely), siblings, a spouse, a child…the stabbing wound continuing to open as you continue to fall, watching your loved one hurt and become confused. They may forget who you are, they may ask for you specifically — no matter the instance, you lose your strength to stand, the more helpless you feel. The longing to make them better, to take their pain, worsens with every sight and visit.

Your open wound becomes deeper, just something else to care for. The last thing that you want to think of in this moment is caring for yourself.

Your tears cleanse your soul as you allow them to fall. Each drip burns the puncture of your skin, falling deeper into your body — until reaching your open heart.

You know now why you’ve been so broken, why you’ve cried and become numb, why you’ve loved with complete and open rawness — your heart has been exposed and unprotected from the world around you.

Salt heals, but when start to end begins becomes “the unknown”. No one except Jesus knows the time and the way. You trust Him in your guidance. And you trust that you will be ok… after all, the person who now sees over you from above would want you to smile again — no matter the amount of tears it takes to heal your broken heart.

You think you need my help,
But baby, you don’t.
You’re stronger alone.
I know you’ve been through hell,
And that can be cold,
And swallow you whole.

All this treading water
Got you feeling like you’re heavy,
Let it go.
Got it from you’re momma —
They can never, ever
Break a heart of gold.

You don’t need a lifeguard.
You made it this far,
And you didn’t realize
What “killin’ it” feels like.

So dive into the deep part,
And send a postcard…
I know that you feel it,
Now start to believe it:
You don’t need a lifeguard.

All this treading water
Got you feeling like you’re heavy,
Let it go.
Got it from you’re momma —
They can never, ever
Break a heart of gold.

You don’t need a lifeguard.
You made it this far,
And you didn’t realize
What “killin’ it” feels like.

You don’t need a lifeguard.
You made it this far,
And you didn’t realize
What “killin’ it” feels like.

So dive into the deep part,
And send a postcard…
I know that you feel it,
Now start to believe it:
You don’t need a lifeguard.

All this treading water
Got you feeling like you’re heavy,
Let it go.
Got it from you’re momma —
They can never, ever
Break a heart of gold,
Never break a heart of gold.

You don’t need a lifeguard.
You made it this far,
And you didn’t realize
What “killin’ it” feels like.

So dive into the deep part,
And send a postcard…
I know that you feel it,
Now start to believe it:
You don’t need a lifeguard.

-“Lifeguard” by Scott Helman

❤️☀️🦋,

Bailey

2 thoughts on “Lifeguard.

  1. We are meant to be more beyond our stress, illness, or heartbreaks. We have to go through it to get better. Better for ourselves and those we are meant to have an impact on that we may have never even met before. God needs the stronger form of us to do his will. To tell our testimony and to show others that we got through the hard times with Him at our side. People like us have been given this open heart and mind to show people what love is. We have dealt with lots of pain and I’m certain their will be more as time progresses, but we must not lose our ability to love. Guard yourself from that which you know is evil. Show the evil that with love, we can continue to move forward just as He willed it to be. Nothing can stop us, Bailey. We have strong spirit no matter what our flesh goes through. 🙏❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Someday we will be given a new body, one free from pain and sin.

      I think you read my response that I just now sent you! Ha!

      We’re on the same mind track, Anthony. And I could not agree more with every single thing that you just said.

      I greatly appreciate you and your words of encouragement through the storm you’re feeling and walking through now. Keep those eyes up though! Your babies need to see you smile. Learning to smile passed all of the pain builds our endurance for our, sooner than later, TRUE Home. Because this is not where we belong.

      I will never lose my ability to love. The more birthdays that come my way, I’m finding that caring about, for, and with others is my greatest strength. Empathy is great in us both. And it’s draining, as we take in other’s emotions and pains. Like you said though, without Empaths like we are, the world would be a huge careless, pointless, selfish ball of land and water, swinging through endless space – never to have any point of return in kindness and reward.

      I will keep my spirit strong, and I will do my best to help keep yours the same way.

      Best wishes and kindest thoughts and prayers for you and your family. Keep your eyes in front of you, my friend. You wouldn’t believe the things you’d miss if you stare at your feet. 💜💜

      Liked by 1 person

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