How does he do it?
He slowly regained strength to stand….
And I miss you.
Everyone misses you.
It’s deeper than that, though.
Every time we talked so deeply…
We talked deeper than the world knows that the ground collapses – much further than superficial wounds.
To gold. And we put a smile on.
Crystal. When we get home and collapse… feeling your bones, your entire self of what the mask you put on, over your “everythingness”, the mask of only EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO BE – shatters. There it goes….crystals on the ground, everywhere. It was so close, and it’s gone.. again. Collapsed and shattered along with you on the floor.
Blood. Purple as your illness liquifies, mixing with the shower water – down the drain with the tears that you’ve held back longer than you can honestly know. We want to cry all. of. the. time. But you hold it in for the shower you take in purple.
Diamond. Blackout babe. Let it go. Don’t think about it. Just let go:
The hug you craved that never came. The depth of love you needed to feel, but never did. The inclusion, to converse with the others, but your day isn’t about what you saw at Walmart, or on the side of the road, or what you saw out your window…..but wait! I saw outside my window!! But you always see outside your window.. you’re old news.. you’re sick.. you don’t feel good…you’re in pain, and what happens in your day isn’t relatable because you’re deeper than just a superficial world and it’s way too much work to listen to; you require far too much effort to include…. blackout baby, cry it out, get it out, you cannot keep rejection inside.
You’re a diamond. You deserve to sparkle when you can. You deserve to not be judged whether you can or cannot sparkle at someone else’s best second. Sparkle when you can. And you are called a diamond at your core because that’s what you ARE. As you let all of your day shatter and bleed away, your diamonds are priceless. DO YOU HEAR THAT? SAY IT OUT LOUD! “My diamonds are priceless. I am a diamond – and I am priceless!”
And sometimes you still toss and turn for hours in the night, as your attempt to sleep, while still no part of you gets recharged, even if you could.
Is too much for all of them. So you feel alone. Outside of the mainstream. But why would you want to be in the mainstream?
But you know,
It would just be nice if someone
wanted to try
to just listen. Because they will never understand. An autoimmune disease is heavy to carry – impossible to understand for those who don’t carry it’s load.
Why do I not have friends?
Because I don’t have extra time to give. All the extra time and energy that people put into friendships, I put into myself – fighting the pain, masking the anxiety or depression or grimaces in public. By about 2:00p (for me personally) I’m worthless, shattered and collapsed into my couch.
Just an effort. To include this person. To not bully the broken one that is begging for your attention, begging for your inclusion…
I’m sorry that I do not have the time to offer you. But I promise, if you are willing to by-pass the judgement, the tears that you will never see, the diamonds that she will never expose…I will do whatever it takes to have your friendship and love and listening ear.
God has put diamonds inside of you, Babe. It’s a matter of learning how to use them. I’m not sure either right now of just that…. but I will NEVER, for one second, stop searching. We work harder to be a part of this world and are outcast on a regular basis. Stand tall. Stand confident. Stand sure of yourself. And search while you can…
When you get home, that
Automatically comes… and maybe tonight we can just watch the purple fall down the drain… washing it all away.
Tomorrow is a new day.
And it might be a diamond day.
Maybe our crystal will shatter and stop at that…..
But you “look in your mirror, and you smile at YOURSELF.” My beautiful late Mimi, shared every second of this madness. A smile is hard though, it’s hard to love yourself when your body is in pain all of the time… I’m supposed to love that?
I struggle too.
And I miss you.
But we will do it. And we will hold each other up. And we will be ok. Diamonds are made under pressure, beyond pressure than other coal receives.
You are a diamond.