Autoimmune Disease

Feral.

She’s different.

You pushed her to be different.

Her life is full of suppressing her differences so that she can fit in and look popular at school.

She pulls it off well.

At home, she walks into the door, and collapses – trying not to make it too obvious.

Her sister doesn’t collapse.

At home she’s ridiculed for voicing concerns. The longer they go on, they sound like complaints –

And she’s told that they’re helping her for the best future of her life

“Toughin’ up! Everybody feels that”.

In the meantime, beautiful destinations call them away and she thinks she needs extra caffeine to get that kick start, to walk all day, to be a person. Isn’t that why everyone drinks coffee?

Her mind fights between “everyone feels like this” and “is there somewhere, somewhere to rest” “Put up my feet”, “get a drink”? No one else seems too concerned. How can this consume her mind, yet everyone can silence their internal screams for help…. how?

As she walks, her upper body feels like it’s keeping up with the others

Her legs and feet are giving their best to keep up, but she can’t help but feel them falling behind.

She imagines what she looks like in her own mind – a piece of laffy taffy, stretching further away from her torso because her legs can barely take any more.

Her mouth is dry. Her eyes are sore from the sun.

How could she think so negatively in a place surrounded by pools, beaches, slides, restaurants, stores, aquariums…

She hides the pain of her lower limbs from herself – calling them “growing pains”, but she’s 20 years old.

When she gets home, she collapses after the day of traveling. She hears her dad and sister leave to get pool floaties for a “pool day” tomorrow.

How?

She cries.

She’s different.


She doesn’t know why – she’s pretty sure she gives it all and then some. There’s no way anyone else feels like this.

Why is she different?

What makes her that way?

And what is she supposed to do with it; how is she expected to live with it?

How?

Kidney stones.

Ovarian cysts.

Costochondritis.

Each call for different trips to the hospital.

This isn’t normal every day’s of others.

Something is wrong.

Something makes her different.


She cancels plans last minute.

She’s learned she can’t plan ahead reliably.

She stays in bed, sometimes, all day, just simply because she cannot stand.

“Mom my skin hurts” is a passing warning that she is going to be sick soon.


She needs, craves, bleeds for another human’s touch…

And some boys she’s met from school race to her aid.

She’ll do anything to feel “normal”.

A lot of times, she didn’t like the “normal” that came with her gaping wounds.

They only began to pour out more blood, making her more weak

And, she didn’t know why.

She doesn’t have friends outside of school.

Sometimes one of the boys would stop by;

They were always so good at taking advantage of her naivety.

There comes a time…

When she knows wrong from right

And she stands up to fight,

Her wounds are healing for now.


She’s strong.

She’s tough.

She loves and cares

She genuinely wants to help everyone and anyone that she can.

She knows what it’s like to fake a smile

Fake a laugh

Fake love, trust, and simplicity.

But she’s not simple.

She’s the most complicated person that you could come into contact with;

Rarely will you find another like her.

25 years, she has been labeled as bipolar,

anxious,

depressed,

chronic sinusitis,

Celiac disease,

Fibromyalgia,

Sjögrens Syndrome.

She’s different.

But she’s used to hiding it from people’s judgment.

Now her life is about energy containment.

Others will forever:

Talk.

Judge.

Gossip.

Tell her to be careful, she’s going lose her husband if she doesn’t “straighten up”.

She’s used to the ridicule.

She’s used to the complete abuse.

You have no idea.

You’ll never know.

She’s a pro at hiding it.

“Growing pains”, whatever the excuse –

She’s tough

She’s brave

She’s strong

She’s persistent

Lonely sometimes, maybe

Smart

She’s a professional, at 27, feeling out the vibes in the room.

Don’t kill her vibe.

Don’t crush her spirit.

Don’t betray her trust.

Don’t doubt her loyalty.

Don’t determine her decisions – only she knows what her body needs.

Don’t assume that she’s lazy.

Don’t bust out with “she has the perfect life”.

Don’t judge her life. Because you don’t know what it’s like to be her.

Stop hearing and listen for a second… because

“She told you so.”

She’s different.

And I’m tired of that being a bad thing.

“One good thing about music is when it hits you, you feel no pain.” – Bob Marley

And another one bites the dust
But why can I not conquer love?
And I might’ve got to be with one
Why not fight this war without weapons?
And I want it and I wanted it bad
But there were so many red flags
Now another one bites the dust
And let’s be clear, I trust no one

You did not break me
I’m still fighting for peace

Well I’ve got thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I’m like a rubber band until you pull too hard
But I may snap when I move close
But you won’t see me fall apart
‘Cause I’ve got an elastic heart
I’ve got an elastic heart
Yeah, I’ve got an elastic heart

And I will stay up through the night
Let’s be clear, I won’t close my eyes
And I know that I can survive
I walked through fire to save my life
And I want it, I want my life so bad
And I’m doing everything I can
Then another one bites the dust
It’s hard to lose a chosen one

You did not break me (You did not break me, no, no)
I’m still fighting for peace

Well I’ve got thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I’m like a rubber band until you pull too hard
But I may snap when I move close
But you won’t see me fall apart
‘Cause I’ve got an elastic heart

-“Elastic Heart” by Sia

❤️👏🏼

☀️❤️🦋,
Bailey

6 thoughts on “Feral.

  1. Different is a word people use to describe something out of the norm. I always thought normal (as I told you in the past) is relative. We all have our own normal.

    So I would describe you as special. Having to attempt to blend in with what others consider normal is a power. A trait people don’t seem to see. Those of us close to you know, Bailey. We know what you endure daily. We understand the hidden strength it takes for you to be in your own normal, that alone trying to fit into anyone else’s.

    Continue to do what you do. I admire you and I’m happy we’ve gotten to be such good friends. Disregard anyone else that has anything negative to say.

    Remember, not different. Just special. 😉💙

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree. My favorite TV personality – you know who I’m talking about! – defines normal as “not interfering with your healthy functioning and pursuit of goals”.
      And you know… that may be a writing in the future!

      I feel so inadequate when you describe what I’ve written! Thank you so much for every compliment in this comment – there are so many, I can’t begin to thank you enough.

      I’m also very glad to have become your friend! You have helped me and encouraged me immensely through the pursuit of my writing. (And we know, there’s no way that I can be labeled as “normal” BAHAHA!)

      So many use the word “strong”, in its ways, to describe me – and it’s crazy how much my mind rejects the comment.

      I actually think you’re one of the few… very few… that understand. It’s incredibly difficult to navigate – and usually I give into the disease because of the pain.

      I truly appreciate you continuing to read my posts! I’m working up another in my head… got to get it all the way through all of the brain fog to put it onto a screen!

      Continue also to do what you do! I’m glad to see you back, again!
      (I like your definition of special. Thank you!)

      ❤️☀️🦋,
      Bailey

      Liked by 1 person

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