Trying not to overheat,
While amazed that it’s still up and running.
Trash bin full of deleted files…
Her lifetime of self-made progress to contain the burn, the seclusion of hurt, a different type of ache completely…
She’s not good enough, and she never will be.
There’s no fixing “this one”. There’s no change or threat or World War XVIII;
She’s still searching for compromise.
She wants unconditional and unbreakable and unshakable love.
And she found him – among your disapproval…
He is her protector. Her soft place. He’s coaxed her from her lifetime cocoon of fear, and now because of him, she’s a butterfly brighter than any of your eyes can see. She would do anything for him.
Not you. Not one of you
Who have given her false hope of happiness and peace, but you broke her heart with words you can’t take back – words to put in her Trash Bin.
She’s lived her life turning her emotions on, off and switching them around – shoving things into a bin that’s become impossible to empty.
“Straighten up, its always something with you, we just want to help you”
Trying to impress and make anyone proud of her and searching in every “search bar” she can find in there: “how to be approved” “how to be chosen”.
But she could never win this war. She could never be the chosen one.
She doesn’t want help. Doesn’t need help. If all of the attacks could suddenly STOP —
The silence would be deafening, but it’s all she’s ever wanted. To be left alone. Negative attention turned else where. It’s only a dream – and one that she dreams of while she’s awake.
She’s been reset so much, doctor after doctor, apologized when she was only herself – feeling what she was feeling,
when she was feeling real
when she was being HERSELF.
“I’m going to take you and go
Make you my own
When I got a fire inside my bones
That’s how it goes when my sunshine gold.
I’m getting into my zone
Let it into my soul
When I’m feeling it in my bones,
That’s how it goes when the sunshine gold.”
-“Sunshinee Gold V2” by Sam the Astronaut