“You can never have too many reminders — [you] are beautiful no matter what.”-Alessia Cara
I’m with you. I feel you girl. [Needing to vent] is where my blog came from, because at least if no one cared, the “likes” would still love be the same.
I’ve realized that it’s when you’re exhausted, it’s when you’re feeling extra horrible, and it’s when so many things are going wrong that you have to deal with these things, and not only your illness (which takes every part of your “dealing with life” away)but also the fact that you’ve taken on too much of life and right now you need to vent or cry or bend or just in general, do/say/think absolutely nothing – and take a break. Yes, I said take a break. People don’t realize how difficult it is to hide the pain on your face, in your posture, in your walk, in your voice, and just plain in the vibe and energy you give off. Every pain you have, every weakness you’re feeling, and every tear you want to let loose is screaming just to be heard. Because there was this one day that you had to show up and into to the world, and the world expects you to look presentable. It takes hours, but you do. And dammit, you get through it, because your expected to. When you get home, you wash your hands – hoping to beat the germs from making you sick (even though you know you breathed in sickness after sickness), you brush out your hair, wash off the layers of make up it took to just present as someone who had their shit together, change into some PJs that don’t hurt your skin, and collapse into a pile on whatever piece of furniture is closest – and sometimes that might just be the floor.
Every other day is lived as a hermit, locked away in your home, and when you have to show up, you pretend like it’s all good, but it’s not. Because nobody wants to listen to you talk about how “hard you have it” when they have to work every day – and you get to stay home in your PJs that don’t hurt your skin, and tend to whatever needs tending…
What people’s eyes also miss, is that there isn’t a “best of both worlds”. You’re either about to fall face first as you look your best and clock into work, or you’re searching for human companionship between, and maybe even during the flare-ups, or maybe you’re searching for love – just for someone to act like they care for 2 seconds out of their day… Because through an entire conversation, you listen to them complain about the work they were able to get out of bed and show up for (you’d love to hold a job), or how they had a not-so-great talk with their coworker(you wish you had anyone, even a coworker just to converse with or act like they cared), or how they went to lunch and the wait staff did something unbelievable(you’re dying just to be able to eat something that doesn’t rip your stomach to shreds)… but 2 seconds of our day is absolutely appalling to bring up…because “we get it easy”, and it’s completely out of the norm.
It’s a hard and cruel world out there, but it’s when the world has been extra hard on you or cruel to you that you wonder if you even make a difference anymore. And that’s what makes you need to let go. So you turn social media for someone to listen to you for just-one-second, because the only “real” contact in your phone can’t talk at the moment…. and so you feel you need to caption your post: “if you don’t care, don’t read…” because most of the time, no one cares – and then you have to end your post with something that makes you feel strong again – after you spewed your weakness onto the world, “read this, or don’t, makes no difference to me.” But it does make a difference. You want to see how many people comment or like your post – because it makes it somewhat visible that you still have a say in today’s world, and it makes you feel that you’re more loved than you feel right now.
Girl, I feel you.
The best thing about what we live, is that it’s becoming lighter and lighter in our world these days. As soon as the sun shines on our norm, it will still take people a while to soak it in. But it will happen. And it may not be in either of our life times. But someday, our world will give credit to the autoimmune community… and SOLELY, because of people who are brave enough to tell their stories to bring light on our world…
And like me.
And like so many others out there who feel completely unheard. Who get told they are sensitive or that they take things too personally….
If anyone else had to process a simple change on top of the pain covered, overloaded hard drive, referred to as our brain, beneath the change may cause an unexpected explosion inside of their brain, heart, body, and soul that shines into their everyday lives too.
Don’t let them play with your heart.
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”
Proverbs 4:23 NIV
In this post, I’m speaking of anyone who has any type of struggle or illness or hold back in life – which means, this post goes out to every. single. person. in the world.💜