Autoimmune Disease · Fibromyalgia · Health · Pain · Sjögren's Syndrome

Caged.

Negative words circulate in your head. You can push them back, but it’s a constant fight isn’t it?

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Let’s try something here…

I want to list all of the words that are constantly being pushed to the back of my head… some old, some new, some brought on by myself.

Herrrrreee weeeee goooooo:

 

Defensive.

Angry.

Aggrivating.

Irritating.

A Pain.

Annoying.

Blonde. (Open those eyes now, love.)

Aggressive.

Hated.

Whore.

Not Enough.

Easy To Leave.

Burden.

Stupid.

Weird.

Boring.

Lonely.

Left Out.

Retaliated Against…..wait for it…………….at least a decade ok?

Bullied.

 

 

 

They’re haunting.

 

 

Just….

Don’t talk to me

if you feel that way.

 

 

 

 

I’m sick. I didn’t ask to be.

But I’m also sick of being judged for something that I cannot change.

 

Stabbing.

No, not you.

The stabbing pains in my diaphragm if I move too quickly,

if I pick things up too quickly as I clean my home… because I don’t sit at home and do nothing.

”Because I’m sick.” – What an excuse though huh?

 

Stubborn.

No, I mean my ribs – refusing to expand as they should, along with my lungs.

They are just…stuck.

I try to be like everyone else…you know, I try to breathe.

I guess I can’t be “normal”.

Gently.

No, I mean my heartbeat… beating behind my lungs, behind my ribs.

I guess my heart can’t have it easy either. (Pile those words up onto it, why don’t ya?)

That would be too “normal” too…

 

 

I don’t need your permission.

You don’t define “normal” for me.

 

Move aside. Let me breathe deeper every inhale. Let my muscles make more room for my breath and heart. Wait for me to stretch my swollen costochondrital joints (oh I’m sorry, you didn’t understand that word? Cartilage. Better?) Add some heat, take some Tylenol and Tramadol.

 

I can breathe normally.

If you had just given me time.

 

 

Time to break out of these caged ribs.

 

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❤️☀️🦋,

Bailey

11 thoughts on “Caged.

    1. I was soooooo angry when I wrote this. I often feel left out and quite small when looked at by peers.
      I’ve written once while I was angry. This was that time. I guess sometimes raw emotion needs to be uncaged though too huh? 😉

      I had so much pain in my ribs this day. And it was piling up. And I felt weak from the pure exhaustion that comes with being in pain for days in a row without a break in between…. no matter how many tramadol I take, with Tylenol even, with Aleve even, my rib pain always persists.

      And I get tired of holding in all of the judgement that I see from others… sometimes my family feels that I’m being too sensitive… but maybe that’s exactly the reason that I see that judgement. Sensitivity.

      When you’re hurting and tired and restless and doing housework (thank goodness Brady doesn’t mind helping sometimes.. most times. 🙈) and weak… you don’t have the strength to not be sensitive. And this time I told myself “no more. No more holding this back. People need to know how i feel, that I notice, and that it’s painful to be secluded.”

      I appreciate that you appreciate it! My words flow through music. Which is why I always try to add a song, the one I listen to over and over on repeat while I write. Hearing someone put words that you feel into artistic form through another medium is comforting. And that comfort sets the tone for many of my posts.

      Liked by 1 person

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