Autoimmune Disease

Habit.

The world has a habit.

It takes a bright, shining being

and

pressures it

into a dark ball of matter

with light dimmed all among its surface.

It’s so foreign as you cross into the darkness.

Now your laughter is too loud.

How do you turn down the volume of happiness that’s too marvelous to keep inside?

So you laugh less and less.

Now you are too concerned for others.

So your goodbyes turn eventually into false promises, empty of love they once contained, the love you still care to know.

Now the words you find from your heart are confusing.

People ask questions answered by what has already been said. They become frustrated because you repeat yourself, the way you expressed once already, the only way you can think to.

So well intended words, cries, ideas, fall upon distracted ears and now go unheard.

What is sympathy, empathy, concern, and care becomes sensitivity, and you have too much of it.

The darkness has you. Every day that you go unmoved, unfelt, unlit, unheard, the core of your soul dims…

Until your fire is but an ember in a pile of soot.

Where are the colors, the passion, the living things moving about – free of all form of judgement, to move as the wind moves them, any way and place that freedom allows?

“Turn down the voice inside my head,

because Heaven only knows why we feel this emptiness.

But I will climb out and find another view…”

– “Ultralife” by Oh Wonder

It’s so ironic.

You will spend the rest of your life trying to find the light that you let this world harness, steal away from you, as its own.

As its own?

As IF it were its own?

It’s not it’s own.

It’s YOUR own.

Don’t allow this world to take your fire.

Feel free to sing as if no one is listening – just to make the person you’re with smile because what’s wrong with feeling the joy that happiness will bring?

How wonderful did it feel to hear when you arrive back from being out of work, “it was so quiet”, “no customers were laughing”, “something was missing that was…”, as they describe, “bubbly”?

Why can’t you smile at the man who looked up from his polished shoes? People don’t sit or stand or walk or speak or FEEL with presence anymore?

You can.

You should.

Feel free to find the happiness in all of the things that others miss –

like the way that piece of grass broke through the pavement…

to find the light again.

“Darkness is only the absence of light.”

and

“A diamond is only coal that handled pressure immensely well.”

You are the happiness, you are the light in the darkness, you are the song, you are coal – you are a diamond. Shine bright, and take advantage. Not everyone else knows how handle the pressure.

And next time the waiter comes to your table and says “you sure laugh loudly… a lot”

(you know, as a complaint)…

Respond to him with a smile,

(that most likely made the ember inside of him glow warmer, brighter)

and say “oh, it’s a habit.”

She was a wild one, a dreamer,

A wide-eyed believer, a rocket in the night.

It was a slow dance, a bad song

I told her, “Just hold on ’til they play something we like.”

And she said “Hey, where are we going?”

I said “We’re already gone.”

A cable car, streetlights on Mars –

This is the start, even if we don’t know where we are.

Falling so hard here in the dark –

This is the start, even if we don’t know where we are.

Now we’re running on streets of gold, no metaphor.

Tripping on fields of marigold and we wanna live forever.

Holy rolling on ecstasy, and she said to me:

“Promise not to wake me if it’s all a dream…”

Yeah, we both belong together.

And I said “Hey, where are we going?”

She said “We’re already gone.”

A cable car, streetlights on Mars –

This is the start, even if we don’t know where we are.

Falling so hard here in the dark –

This is the start, even if we don’t know where we are…

How did we get this far?

It’s a long way back to Sunset Boulevard.

If they ask where we are,

We’ll be somewhere in the stars.

– “Streetlights on Mars” by Jackson Penn

🎶 Click HERE to listen to “Ultralife” by Oh Wonder (acoustic version) 🎶

🎶 Click HERE to listen to “Streetlights on Mars” by Jackson Penn 🎶

“She was a little all over the place, that was for sure. But the good news is that when she loved, she loved big. And if she loved you, you never had to wonder.”

💜☀️🦋,

Bailey

2 thoughts on “Habit.

  1. Love all the pictures, Bailey! You two are adorable together 😁
    Man, I can remember a time when I was holding who I was back from the world. It caused so much inner friction! It wasn’t to my senior year of high school that I broke out and became myself more and more as the years flew by. Now, I really don’t care who likes me or who doesn’t because I’m just me. I’m lively, I talk to random people like crazy, and I’m just living life. I’m the guy that would make that waiter laugh right along with me 😅
    Great to see you posting, Bailey! No matter the topic. Funny, sad, happy or weird. Just get it off your chest and in your online jornal 😁

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw, thank you!! I couldn’t have made this journey without him. I’m suppressed pain for my entire life. You can train your brain to do whatever you need. Sadly. (In this situation.) around the house, if I’m super jumpy, anxious, talkative, all over the place basically, Brady will ask me “Is it time for pain meds?” I don’t feel a certain (LOW) level. I’ve conditioned myself not to feel it, and I’m sure my “bipolar” diagnosis came from – the “high” is pure anxiety from pain, and the “ low” is PAIN that I can’t get passed without help. I’ve wondered that often. So when I am on my “high” = time for pain meds and I’m back to the normal level.
      I know what it’s like to feel depressed and I never want anyone to be that way. I try my best to have everyone leave my presence in a better one than they found me in. Brady is my rock…
      and we are still searching. But it will be ok soon, I know it will! It’s been so cloudy, and we need the rain so badly! I’d rather have pain from the weather than have no rain! Yep. That’s how bad we need rain…. 😦

      I’ve held back who I am until I began this blog. I agree with you. I talk. And I talk. And I talk. But it’s because I care! I care about every person in this world. As my DD stated, “everyone in life has the words “I am important” written on their foreheads. Treat them that way regardless if you’re talk to the manager or the bus boy.” Funny he used their restaurant example too. ☺️ EVERYONE has that “something” in their lives. Everyone is fighting a battle. We would be amazed at how many people in this world are broken -and hiding it just to get by – just like yourself!

      I am so thankful to have your encouragement to write! I read most of every post to Brady before I post it.. just to “see”… idk what I’m “seeing” though!😂😂 but this is my journal all the way. That’s where the emotion comes from.

      Btw, let me know when you release your book! Sometimes, (literally) I forget to read others’ posts…. forget. Seriously. Oh I wish I knew how to explain that. But that’s another reason -memory loss- that I’ve written some things. I’m working on one now (I’m sorry Chanty!), and finishing another that’s been in my drafts for far too long. So keep your eyes pealed and I’m going to REMEMBER to do the same 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼

      Liked by 1 person

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