Autoimmune Disease

“How wonderfully you have grown

Since July of last year.” -Morgan Harper Nichols

I missed her laugh. So I listened to the voicemail that I’m terrified of losing… yes. That laugh. That’s the last I heard of her voice. Her laughing hysterically. At least that will bring a smile to my face today.

I love her. Present tense. Love.

Her legacy is love.

I’m not sure how to carry her spirit and pure joy through in my life.

Lately, it’s been a lot of heartache, stabbing in the front, and silence. Where does love fit in that mess?

Dreams stolen, thoughts confused, hearts split open, and happiness poured down the drain as easily as a pitcher of water.

Where do I put the disappointment? I don’t want it in my heart… nor in my mind to be thought about…

I guess I could tuck it away in my bedside table drawer, but how can I be sure that it won’t creep out and into my dreams (then made nightmares)?

Within the last year, I’ve grown. I’ve grown from the roles of the unknown protection, shifted and drifted away as if it were never there…

I’m in such a spot that I don’t dare want to be seen.. somewhere actually in the in between..

They’re my age – they’re doing this, and having this, or going there, or building that. But once my days come to an end, it’s still my diseases that I manage (or try to) with each breath of the life that I breathe out. Timers set – reminder to take which medication at which time. Stuck in the house because my pain and pure exhaustion. I never fail to be in a full blown attack of my body each time I am invited to do anything…

But the same people are always busy when I get a rare moment of time.

I’m not sure about most of life currently. Where is all of the love? Did Mimi overflow each person with love to make sure they spilled over to the next person they saw?

I’m here. And I just don’t feel it anywhere. (Except my Lord and Savior, and from Brady… we have made a 180 recently…I pray that it is a permanent fix… but I need to fix myself too..)

I’m exhausted, so i cry. I don’t feel good, so I cry. I’m hurting, both physically and emotionally, so i cry.

And i go to sleep, because i don’t crave any drug to be addicted to. I’m already on far too many medications anyways. I don’t care to shoot anything into my veins because of how fragile all that I am, is. I don’t care much for smoking, it hurts my lungs and makes me cough. Alcohol just burns my throat and stomach…

So I will sleep as my escape from reality. And hope to have pleasant dreams.

My constant company makes me quench, but it never seems to get the hint that it has far overstayed it’s welcome.

And because of this type of company, my life is so far from the “norm”. Because of this company, I feel quite far from different, far down the scale of useless. I’m unable to keep up with friends – at least enough for them to still consider me one. I’m not what many people, of whom I love very much, understand.. and much less, want to… I’m not enough.

The worst part is, though, I don’t know how to be…

Love.

I do.

However, I’ve never been aware..

you can love too much.

Maybe this world isn’t ready for the love that I have to give…

Maybe not. But that doesn’t change the hurt that I feel, the pain i am dealt, slapped in the face with.

Maybe I’m too much for this world righ now.

That doesn’t change the fact though, that I’m still not enough.

You must think that I’m stupid;

You must think that I’m a fool;

You must think that I’m new to this,

But I have seen this all before.

I’m never gonna let you close to me –

Even though you mean the most to me,

Because every time I open up, it hurts.

So I’m never gonna get too close to you –

Even when I mean the most to you,

In case you go and leave me in the dirt.

But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry.

And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry.

And every time you walk out, the less I love you.

Baby, we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true:

I’m way too good at goodbyes

I know you’re thinking I’m heartless.

I know you’re thinking I’m cold.

I’m just protecting my innocence.

I’m just protecting my soul.

I’m never gonna let you close to me –

Even though you mean the most to me,

Because every time I open up, it hurts.

So I’m never gonna get too close to you –

Even when I mean the most to you,

In case you go and leave me in the dirt.

But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry..

And every time y me, the quicker these tears dry..

And every time you walk out, the less I love you..

Baby, we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true..

I’m way to good at goodbyes..

No way that you’ll see me cry

I’m way too good at goodbyes.

-“Too Good At Goodbyes” by Sam Smith

🦋☀️💜,

Bailey

9 thoughts on ““How wonderfully you have grown

  1. Hey Bailey! How you doing these days? Welcome to September. The month that makes me think about Green Day whenever it comes around because of that one song that did “Wake me up when September ends” haha. Hope all is well! Talk to you again soon!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Every single year, when September ends, people put screen shots of Green Day’s Twitter…. because “apparently” it’s not funny anymore…

      Psh… seriously? Come onnnnn! It will be funny for the rest of our lives!! 😂

      Doing well Trey! How are you?!

      Nothing new here. Just some antibiotics and bad weather, but bad weather here… isn’t really bad..? Oh do we ever need the rain!❤️❤️

      Like

      1. I never knew that about their Twitter! I just recently made an account again and I still struggle with posting 😅

        I’ve been ok too. Nothing new on my end either. Just making it by the best way I can. I just have to stop by and check on my #1 blogger friend! 😁

        I have to write my story of the month still and post some more poetry. I create all those things on the fly. I’m excited about next month cause I’ll make my story of the month a Halloween one. Bwahaha! Enjoy your extended weekend, pretty lady!!

        Like

      2. Awww #1! That’s the sweetest! Definitely on your end too!

        I used to have a twitter but..I barely use my instagram or fb anymore, except to say “heyyyyy new blog post!” Haha!
        Yesss, on oct 1, go look at Green Day’s twitter. Let me know if they’re still annoyed with it 😂😂😂🤷🏻‍♀️

        Nothing new here either. They want me to do a sleep study, which my husband is thinking i don’t need it… my doctor thinks i have narcolepsy?psh. No telling anymore!Brady wants me to be retested for RA and lupus, even though those are probably negative!

        So glad guess that is new? 😂🤷🏻‍♀️

        Like

      3. Narcolepsy? Wow. I know you fight with exhaustion some days, but I’m not sure that warrants that condition. Of course I’ve been a doctor all of 0 days out of my life soooo 😅

        I’ll have to remember to check out their Twitter. I’ll put the reminder in my phone because I think it’s funny. They didn’t know Twitter would be a thing when the song was made so they were in the clear for years, but no longer. I want a part of the action too! 😜

        Always great to hear from you, Bailey! Take care.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Brady and I decided against a sleep study. I think it’s less likely narcolepsy, more so likely lupus or RA. Or just plain fatigue. I do often fall asleep sitting up. Ha. I know a sleep study would do me some good but I doubt any answers would come of it.

        The same doctor that mentioned narcolepsy, also mentioned that (duh lol!) I’m on a large amount of medications that each have fatigue as a side effect. So most likely that. Praying my way to health. God is the one who made me – I think He is probably the best direction to search for answers ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Oh and for sure – they missed the social media future memo on that one for sure!! It’s not just twitter – I believe that’s the main response – but they also have other social media so I always have fun watching it too. Last year they tried to catch the comments before any came in..😂😂😂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow, Bailey. I’m happy to see you posting and pouring all that did you did into it. Their is strength and beauty in that alone. A really deep line you said was how you’re too much for the world right now, but yet you’re not enough. I don’t even know how to address the line simply because it makes so much since.

    I’m happy things are better for you and your relationship. Things will get better as long as you both work at it and in turn, you’ll be better yourself. Stay strong and keep pushing.

    I can’t pretend I feel all the pain that do, Bailey and I hate things have to be this way. Their is a purpose in all this for sure and although you we can’t see it now, God has a plan. In the meantime, God has put people around you in your life to keep you grounded. Sane. Happy. At the very least Bailey, I’ll always be here with you 😁🤗

    Fight through the pain of it all. Not just for yourself, but for all of us that care about you! The power of happiness is stronger than any other emotion so remember to smile and stay positive! Keep these post a’ comin, pretty lady! 😉

    Take Care!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Trey,
      I’m not even sure where to begin in replying to you!
      First of all, how kind that you care so much. I care for you and your family too. You have such a beautiful family. Treasure them! They ARE treasure. And never let your fiancé go one day without asking yourself “how can I make her day better today?” Another big thing is empathy in a relationship. You have to feel what the other is going through. And recently, what Brady and I have found: whichever of you is the weakest in your relationship shows how strong you BOTH are at that time.

      Yessss! It seems to be something that only someone with deep thoughts could understand… too much, but not enough. And that sums up everything perfectly for me right now!

      I’m fighting through all of the pain! No worries there. I’m in a nasty flare from this past year. Whew. It was It’ll fade away eventually though.

      Thank you Trey!! Your comments are always so kind!!!❤️❤️

      I’m struuuugling through l exhaustion. I’m actually nodding off as i answer this and am having to wake myself up by shaking my head and refocusing my eyes. 🤦🏻‍♀️🙈 and also picking up my phone i just dropped into my lap…😑 I’m sooooo beyond the word exhausted…. that word gets used so often, it’s lost its meaning. “Exhaustion”. Seems many words have.

      You take care too!!!😄 we will talk again very soon!!!

      Liked by 1 person

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