But I’m going to write a blog post, ok? 😅
Have you ever seen someone be bullied, in person/on tv/in movies and you just say to yourself “how could you be so mean to another innocent human?
I’ve thought that.
And now there’s a show on MTV called Catfish where people are in online relationships and the show brings the couple together in person. Most of time, of course, its never the person in the pictures…
The question arises “Why, though?”
“I just wanted to be someone else for a little bit. I was bullied….etc.”
And my thought: “You were bullied, so it makes sense for you to hurt people just as they hurt you?”
Living a “normal life” on the surface wasn’t easy.. but I never realized until earlier today, I have always felt bullied. I’ve never felt enough.
Ex: can’t finish school, can’t hold a job, can’t have a baby, cant hold a friendship, can’t give anyone guaranteed time no matter how badly I ache to be around said person… (there’s many more…))
I’ve always been sensitive.
And each real life time of each example given has torn me into so many pieces. Pieces that I’ve had to gather up off of the floor and place back together secretly – so I don’t get told how stupid it is that I let [the situation] get to me. They’re more than just “times”, “occurrences”, “events”…. it’s the way that those eyes looked at me. The way my so called friend didn’t stand up for me in such a vulnerable time – when I needed her the most. The way the words echoed in my head “I’d take this chance for granted!” Right after the statement “no doctors appointments…”. It’s the way I felt pressed into the chair from the tension in the office from every direction around me. It’s the way I heard “of course, you do what you have to do” when I find we are no longer Facebook friends when I get home. It’s the tears streaming down my face because all I want to do is call my husband, but I’m a “big girl” and can make my own “decisions” – when the “said decision” was a bigger decision than [person] could ever even begin to think up. It’s the feeling of being in the next room with 2 people, while 10 or so gathered in the kitchen with a former friend of mine to speak of me, making sure I heard what negative words they said. It’s having to be squished down to nothing because a particular task could not be understood or done in the “best way”. It’s being told “you’re not thinking right.”
My brain is in constant “*flinch* don’t hurt me” mode.
I’ve noticed lately, since I’ve been unemployed, I’ve been sharper with my words. Because seriously, what are you gonna do? Fire me? I’ve got nothing else to lose.
My husband was with me as I came to this realization today. He actually was the one that brought me to it. I’d seen the difference, I just didn’t understand the reason behind it.
Chronic illness and chronic pain is more difficult to deal with behind closed doors than anyone would be willing to admit. It affects more areas of your life than you’d be able to guess (kind of like all and every area).
I’ve been a bully. Because I’ve felt bullied. Fists up: “come at me, I dare you to get me before I get you” because it’s not gonna happen.
I’ve been a coward. I’ve been a loser, an abuser, and above all-
A horrible wife. A horrible sister. A horrible daughter. A horrible friend.
I’m not sure I’ll ever figure out just exactly how these diseases work, because as soon as I figure it out, it’ll change just the second before. But what I can do is
Not think so much about it!<
ife and the only thing that stays the same is change!
I want my life to be about the people who are in it. I want my life to be about saving animals and pouring love into souls who feel like mine once did.
I don't want to get back at innocent people. I want to show them the love the pours down into me from A Special Someone Above.
I wish more people did that for me.
Thank you, so much, to the few who did.
“I’m just trying to be brave.”