My husband and I went on an errand run today.
I’m not sure that I actually realized the desperation for general pain relief.
I have to say, I thought it would be years from now that I would make plans for the day by measuring how much walking it requires and the amount of constant output of all/any energy. I wish I had the guts to find the mobile scooters and use one throughout the store. I guess for now, I’ll rely on shifting my weight from my legs and feet to the handle of the shopping carts – then telling Brady when the weight of our items inside of the cart have become too heavy for my legs to be able to make the walk throughout the entire store and back to the car vs. (the before said statement) while shifting my body weight to my legs, feeling my phlangeal, tarsals, and metatarsals flatten and ankle joints lose the cushion – balancing and stepping ever so carefully in which to not cause pain, and finding the bit of strength to tighten my hamstrings and obliques, transferring the tiny inch of momentum to each and every upper back, shoulder, now arms, now into my wrists, metacarpals, carpals, and phalanges to grip and lean forward, in turn making the cart move forwards, and — courageously, but ever so small and self consciously– asking the only human that’s been glued to every tiny bit of any amount support, if he could graciously take over.
Which ends up sounding like: “hey, Bray? Will you push?” Of which he never turns down.

Only we know that those 5 simple words scream: “WE NEED TO LEAVE STAT, I’m not sure how long I can support any real or forged effort at this moment. I’m in so much pain and am on the verge of tears, but right now, I can’t take another pain pill – so I really need my bed and heating pad stat.” What gets left out, is the “how amazing he is, how much I appreciate his every breath, how thankful I am for his very existence, and how much he is loved more than he could ever know”… just to name a few.
He’s amazing. I don’t know what I’m doing right, but I sure hope I’m able to keep that up longer tha real life.
I had a dream two nights ago:

I was eating a sandwich. As I took the bite, I looked at the bite out of the sandwich that I was now chewing in my mouth, thinking: “how strange? I hate tomatoes.” In the middle of my sandwich was a neatly bitten and not the slightest bit squished tomato. I couldn’t taste it. I couldn’t feel it in my mouth, after all, I’m searching because I have never cared much for the taste of taste of tomatoes!

Dream Moods defines and explains this dream: “to dream that you are eating a tomato foretells of good health”.

I’m counting on it dream moods. Especially since Brady and I each got 7 years of bad luck from breaking 2 mirrors during our move!

Show me what you got!

“Now there’s a ghost in the back of this room,

And I don’t like it.

I fall asleep with my covers pulled up,

And try to fight it.

I gotta say it’s hard to be brave

When you’re alone in the dark.

I told myself that I wouldn’t be scared,

But I’m still having nightmares.”

– Simple Plan



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