Autoimmune Disease

All The Same

Disclaimer: I write to create awareness. I write because I have strong emotions. I write to release these emotions in a productive form. Some posts contain contentment, positivity; some contain anger, sadness, confusion… I feel as though these raw emotions also create awareness towards chronic and mental illnesses.

 

 

 

I’m Bailey.

I have multiple diagnoses: Bipolar II, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, GERD, IBS, Celiac Disease, Fibromyalgia, & Sjögren’s Syndrome.

I have a psychiatrist.

I have a rheumatologist.

I have a Gastrointestinal Specialist.

I regularly see an optometrist & dentist.

I’m on 14 medications per day.

Each of these people whom I see for their expertise, knowledge, and ability to treat my “illnesses”/”diseases”/”diagnoses”/”disorders” help me regulate my body.

My body regularly attacks itself which is the center of world. I’m on medications to overpower this attack on my own body.

And regularly, my body overcomes these medications so they require changes.

I’m UNABLE to work or to commit to anything before the occasion.

I’ve LOST friends.

I’ve LEFT doctors.

I’ve been called CRAZY, UNSTABLE, EMOTIONAL, SENSITIVE, ANXIOUS, TOO MUCH.

I’ve been told that I FREAK OUT if things go wrong in a relationship for one second. (I want so badly to always save what I have after experiencing so much loss throughout my life).

But I’m here to tell you, I AM NOT THESE DIAGNOSES. I AM NOT THESE WORDS. I stand strong on my ground that I am as much like you as I can be. And I will not let you push me off of this mountain of false confidence and pretend self assurance.

I made this blog… just to put it all out there. My kryptonite.. is to accuse/portray/treat me as if I abuse drugs.

Do you want to be on 13 medications every day? Just to say “I’m as much like you as I can be”. You have no idea of the limitations, big and small, this has caused me. My husband barely knows the beginning, because only I can live this world. And I did not pick this world.

My name is Bailey.

I’m sick with many illnesses that are regulated by multiple medications at different times through each day.

I see people who have had quite a bit of schooling to help me be “as much like you as I can be.”

I never fill a prescription too soon, unless my doctor sent it over herself.

I never intentionally take a medication too soon or abuse it in any way.

So please, ‘nurse’, tell me exactly why and how you believe that I’m abusing my pain medication that I can refill within 2 days, yet still have 91 pills left. (I counted).

I thought your job was to help your patients – not to elongate their pain symptoms.

In which I did not ask for –

I’m only trying to manage.

“Sometimes it all gets a little too much..”

Your nurse practitioner (in which I’ve posted about previously)…. and you, a nurse who does not see patients, please make it more obvious that we aren’t the same; that I am lower than you because I require help on a daily basis. And go ahead and make my job a little bit harder  for me to manage my life. While we are:

In the midst of moving due to a mold infestation that my landlords refuse to fix in a way that would pass an inspection.
So. Much. Stress. (My body attacks all moisture producing/containing glands or even organs. Which could include my lungs. I wouldn’t be surprised right now if they are filled with mold spores).

Trying to regulate my emotional support dog’s allergies – because she’s having a reaction as we speak.

Treating my other emotional support dog for a UTI, and hoping that she returns to her full self soon.

While I am trying to keep up with endless laundry -I swear there are other people who live here because of the never ending amount. I know you’ve never thought of, but it is actually extremely painful for me to fold laundry on days like today, when my joints feel swollen as ever.

While I’m attempting to hold tightly onto a memory that is made completely of fog and impossible to restrain. (Adding stress will only make this worse.. if it even can get worse).And as I write this.. I am literally watching my memory of all of this shrink further and further into the distance.

I want to be able to remember this so that I can relay the information to my husband – who is a nurse, himself. I’m trying to build up the strength to not break down and cry when I catch him up to speed. I don’t want to stress him out even more than he already is. He has an entire other life outside of me called “work”.

Each of these oh so little things, are more than huge to me and create immense stress – leading to pain and anxiety or depression. Flares come calling. I refuse to answer before we reside in our new home – no!

And as I wait for the call back from the doctor’s office…

 

 I am not, nor will ever be, an addict. 

“But she knew that she would be ok. So she didn’t let it get in her way.

But when it got hard, she would lose her focus. So take my hand, it will all be ok.”

Thank you for reading my venting session.

✌🏼&💜,

Bailey

4 thoughts on “All The Same

  1. Thank you, Anthony. I created this blog thinking no one would ever read it. Just knowing that it was a good and safe place to transfer my thoughts, anxieties, angers, and even happiness into. I would be lying, a fool, and completely dishonest to be saying that chronic illness is easy. Life, itself, isn’t easy for anyone! I’m the most positive person I know; positive people need time to break into a safe place they feel they can belong. And greatly, I’m so glad and thankful that some people are willing to stop their world for a second to peek into mine. If anything, that makes me feel like I’m actually contributing to this world – by educating in a truthful way, how these illnesses portray themselves from myself.

    I really appreciate your positive words. I love reading your poetry and words! You have a view on the world that we all need to learn how to turn ourselves inside out to see.

    Like

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