“I don’t like my mind right now – stacking up problems that are so unnecessary.”
“I know I’m not the center of the universe; but you keep spinning around me just the same.”
Expectations are the root of disappointment.
Disappointment is the root of being hurt.
Being hurt is the root of anger, resentment, and resistance.
I’m not sure how much more I can stress, explain, and defend myself against people who are supposed to unconditionally support me regardless. I will always defend myself. I deserve to be defended. When will it be enough? When will my pain, aching, fatigue, popping joints, burning skin, and migraines be enough for you to see that I’m not just “letting other people effect me”. When will my sensory overload triggered panic attacks, painsomnia, knotted muscles, neuropathy, nausea, and brain fog prove to you that I’m not just “not thinking right”.
What is visible enough?
Dragging my heating pad anywhere and everywhere, cord trailing behind me being played with and chased by my cats.
Not being able to hold a job due to my constant pain or illnesses caught because of my lowered immunities.
Not contribuiting to the world’s population when you know that since I was a young child, all I wanted to do with my life was be a mom.
Instantly becoming exhausted, from no where, no one saw it coming.. I sure was hoping maybe it would aim wrong and miss me for this one time.
None of this is tangible. To me, all of this is greatly visible, but when my body feels overwhelemed, feels the sensory overload, feels too much, it just isn’t enough for the rest of them.
This subject is so difficult for people with invisbible illnesses. It’s the #1 fight we are against – daily.
I have such a great support system. I’m more thankful to them than anything..
Doubters.. ‘unconditionally love me’… but don’t worry, that doesn’t mean you have to try to understand OUR new situation. I don’t know what to do to make my problems and troubles and battles visible enough for you. I let it effect me. Because I want your support, understanding, love, and honestly just a real hug from you. But you don’t care. And I’ve made that ok in my life. I’ve accepted the fact that you cannot offer to me what you do not own, yourself.
Hopefully my illness will never become visible.. I’m ok being invisible right now, because that means my organs aren’t failing. My illnesses are controlled by medications right now, though they are progressing, and will for the rest of my life as my body overcomes each medication change they prescribe to me.
“I’m holding on. Why is everything so heavy?”
I’ve expected you to understand, to at least try.. because “unconditional love” right?
I got hurt.
I got angry at you, resentful towards you, and I resist your help inside my body that is a tangled mess. I try to hide this though.. Because you would go into a rage.. You would push me away, and I’m not sure how much further I can be pushed or told that “my head isn’t in the right place”.
Your hug, hello and goodbye, speaks volumes to me.
At this point in my journey, all of this has been accepted. Can I tell you that it doesn’t still hurt me? No. Can I tell you that I do not become defensive if my illness is being put down in a conversation? No.
I fought to find an answer.
I feel the need to fight to defened that answer.
And it’s ok that you don’t accept, understand, and resist to hear the answer.
But don’t talk to me about my found answer when you weren’t around, fighting along side me, to find it. Don’t talk to me about my day to day when you have no idea what it takes to get out of bed in the morning. Foremost, don’t give me advice (and force me to hear you) when you refuse to hear me. By the way, your advice doesn’t help. And when you force it to me, that’s when my “positive thinking” that you’re trying to get me to keep, plummets into disappointment and hurt. So I turn around and slam the door. Because I deserve to be defended.
It’s not a joke. I will never understand people who make other’s lives into a laughable moment; just so they can feel more accomplished against themselves.
When it’s too much for me, it’s just not enough for you. And that will probably, sadly and regretfully, never be changed. Because I cannot open your mind to something you’re not open to learning “unconditionally”.
I vow, at this moment, at this second, and in this breath, to always defend myself, but to never argue my defense.
I’ll let you know how this goes.
-“Heavy” by Linkin Park