Autoimmune Disease

Rescuers

Lately, its been crazy. I inked several beautiful and meaningful flowers on my shoulder – so that I could see them.. so that I would be constantly reminded to be strong, to be reminded of my journey and the strength that I found through it all… To remind myself that I’ve seen these days before, I’ve felt this pain before, and even though it seems so unbearable and so unending, the sun always breaks through the raging storm, and relief (even if it’s not much) will find me again eventually.

Even such a reminder.. a normal reminder for those who are protected by good health, six days later is aching so deeply into my muscle. During the three hours of which the tattooing took, I focused on the needle. How it quickly  moved up and down, spreading whichever color the artist had chosen for that specific spot to be. I focused on the pinching that I felt for the entirety of the time – a pinch that was distracting from the normal sensations of pain that I feel day in and day out. It somehow felt relaxing. The pinch of the tattoo relieved me of my body’s broken pain. The minuscule amount of beauty that I’ve searched for in this pool of negative autoimmunity feels as though it’s come back to laugh in my face. Stand strong, Bailey. Stand strong.

I’ve been worried about many people in these weeks… I’ve had stress added onto me by friends about people whom I don’t even know. I’ve been pushed and prodded and begged to go out late at night.. I’ve given into the plans a couple times..

The weather has been changing frequently where I live. Wildfires are everywhere, then a night of 30 and some odd degrees.. Days to follow grow from 60, to 70, to 80, and then……… rain. It’s all taken such a toll on my body; I slowly feel it giving out.. calling for rest.. calling for no movement.. calling for stillness.

Let me tell you what I’ve noticed.. Those who have been hurt, those who know loss, who are sick/or have been diagnosed with a life changing illness, those who have seen the darkness, are the people who rescue others. Rescuers will put themselves second – actually, last. Rescuers take care of anyone they believe are lacking love in their lives. They see and feel and know how it feels to not be taken care of, to feel a lack of understanding and empathy, love, support, and guidance. Rescuers will rescue – because that’s what they do, they save others from themselves.

Ultimately, this behavior, kindness, and selflessness goes unreturned.

Stop crossing oceans for people who would not even jump a puddle for you.

 

I gave all my oxygen to people that could breathe.

I gave away my money and now we don’t even speak.

I drove miles and miles, but would you do the same for me? Oh, honestly?

Offered up my shoulder just for you to cry upon.

Gave you constant shelter and a bed to keep you warm.

They gave me the heartache and return I gave a song;

It goes on and on and on.

Life can get you down so I just numb the way it feels.

I drown it with a drink and out of date prescription pills.

And all the ones that love me, they just left me on a shelf, no farewell.

So before I save someone else, I’ve got to save myself.

I gave you all my energy and I took away your pain,

Because human beings are destined to radiate or drain.

What line do we stand upon? Cause from here it looks the same.

And only scars remain.

Before I save someone else, I’ve got to save myself.

But if I don’t then I’ll go back to where I’m rescuing a stranger

Just because they needed saving just like that.

Oh I’m here again, between the devil and the danger,

But I guess it’s just my nature.

My dad was wrong, cause I’m not like my mom.

Because she’d just smile and I’m complaining in a song, but it helps.

So before I save someone else, I’ve got to save myself.

Life can get you down so I just number the way it feels.

I drown it with a drink and out of date prescription pills.

And all the ones that love me, they just left me on the shelf, no farewell.

So before I save someone else, I’ve got to save myself.

And before I blame someone else, I’ve got to save myself.

And before I love someone else, I’ve got to love myself.

-“Save Myself” Ed Sheering

 

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