Long time, no see! I apologize for neglecting my posts for a little while..
I’ve been out and about, discovering this, realizing that…
I don’t know if I have anything truly deep to explain. I’m not sure I have the words in me to pour out how I feel right now, but I’m hoping they may come as I type. In the midst of this fibro fog, not much seems to be able to break through.
I’ve started to feel that though my brain fog lingers, my mind is starting to clear and has room now for my own thoughts. I’ve started to realize that my own thoughts are not wrong, only that some people do not agree with them. And that’s ok.
Confidence is 10% hard work and 90% delusion.
I’m finally confident enough to say:
I am not afraid of my truth anymore, and I will not omit pieces of me to make you comfortable.
Or to make you happy.
Or to make you feel like you’ve won.
Or to make you feel proud.
Anyone who’s anyone needs to:
Stay away from people who make you feel like you’re hard to love.
I am strong. I am so proud of me. I am lovable. I am tough. I am talented. I am beautiful. I am capable. I am successful. I am level headed. I am able. I am confident. I am precious. I am kind. I am a listener. I am a friend. I am a good daughter. I am valuable. But most of all, I am enough.
And the fact that I feel the need to remind myself of that daily is pretty darn pathetic. Thank you for that.
Not every person is going to understand you and that’s ok. They have the right to their own opinion, and you have every right to ignore it.
Where is the stability? What can I count on in my life?
My health. Though it’s the furthest from “healthy”, it’s pretty stably unstable, and I can count on being sick. No, not the flu. Thank you for pointing that out. I’m sorry that my “sick” isn’t good enough for you to classify as “sick” by your uneducated definition.
I am good enough. Reminder again. Thank you for that.
And the sicknesses I have are a constant reminder of the daily tasks I am unable to do. But I put my make up on and paste a smile on my face to hide the fact that I feel as though I’ve:
caught the flu, fallen down three flights of stairs, been punched in the stomach, broken my knee caps, been awake for 3 days straight, and lost mobility in my hands.. but I’m not sick to you. And I don’t care.
Because I’m tough.. and ENOUGH.
- Stability to me means God.
God has said “I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.” in Hebrews 13:5
That is all I need, and..
It is well with my soul.
- My husband. My precious husband is more stability in this life than I’ve ever experienced physically. I’m so thankful for that, for him, for his love and affection, and the extended family that he’s brought to me.
In this break that I’ve taken from my posting, I’ve grown. And somehow this quote on the internet that has been incorrectly paired with Meryl Streep’s photo, originally quoted by Jose Micard (a Portuguese self help author and life coach) knows how to say it best:
I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I’ve reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me. I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature. I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me.
I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate. I decided not to coexist anymore with pretense, hypocrisy, dishonesty, and cheap praise. I do not tolerate selective erudition nor academic arrogance. I do not adjust either to popular gossiping. I hate conflict and comparisons. I believe in a world of opposites and that’s why I avoid people with rigid and inflexible personalities. In friendship I dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. I do not get along with those who do not know how to give a compliment or a word of encouragement. Exaggerations bore me and I have difficulty accepting those who do not like animals. And on top of everything, I have no patience for anyone who does not deserve my patience.
I’m a mess – and I’ll be the first to admit it. But at least now, I’m a mess with my own mind, my own opinions, and my own free will. For the first time in my life, I feel strong, I feel tough, I feel enough.
And for the first time in my life, I’ve realized, you can’t force stability through this world.
So I’ll be stable for myself.
I started writing with such a heavy heart, and now again I feel new.
So to conclude my learning for the time I’ve spent to myself:
If you’re in a dark place today, that’s ok. Even if you can’t get out of bed and all you can do is breathe. Take all the time you need. We’ll be here when you’re ready. Every day is a battle. Some days you’ll demolish everything in your path; others you’ll hold on for dear life.
Either way, you are a warrior.
Never forget that.